here i go again ..

14 hours later and im back.

home. ethnic studies mode. angry.

it starts in japan when i notice that all of first class are white men and koreans travelling to exploit my country as always...i felt like although so much healing has taken place, seeing them - plus a white guy behind me on the plane hitting on the filipina to the left of him - just opened the wound that was just starting to want to be changed ..

***

i step out and take a deep sigh..im back. the band is playing at 10oclock at night screaming mabuhay and smiling hoping for a tip.. i methodically take out passport and declaration slip ..wait for our baggage ... step into humidity and meet with my cousins family... ate jel used to live in the states and is stuck in the philippines .. and tita norie and tito joey frequent the states so it hit me slowly ...

traffic..smog..my american lungs failed me so i had to close the window and chose sweat over smog. in my head i retract a previous statement that driving in nyc is crazier than the philippines while my tito dodges a truck one inch away from taking me out. we stop and someone starts cleaning my titos windshield .. he says no and he continues to do it ..he then travels to the passenger window and starts begging my tita for money .. he is begging while staring at our luggage asking for pasalubong. i hear the influxes in his voice my mother gives in and gives him 50 pesos. hmm. as he walks away my aunt says its just going to be for rugby. i wonder if he'll use it for some of samaritanas women. about 10 seconds later two more men come up and start cleaning the car and asking for money. one young boy goes to the second passenger seat and is talking to my cousin .. "nay sige na..conte baria lang" (forgive the incorrect spelling) ... he is begging .. pleading with us .. seeing that we have bags and we have just come from the airport .. telling us that he'll use it to eat ..that its NOT for drugs .. he continues like this for around 5 minutes ..we're stuck in traffic we can't do anything .. a frank sinatra song is playing on the radio and ths soft melodic tones are a sharp contrast - or is it? - to his pleading voice.

i was lost .. stuck in the middle. if we give him money he'll leave but tell his folks and well get bombarded ... plus thats not exactly empowering the community is it? (i know theres a trek term for this but i forgot ... =X ) if we dont he starves a little more tonight .. i also think of the women who have to sell their bodies on the streets at this very hour ..and he is just asking for money .. my mom touches me as she knows i am holding back tears of confusion and realization and questions and a balikbayan advantage (ok so maybe she didnt know all that ..but she knew something was going on inside me). traffic picks up and as we leave he bangs the window..hard.

my family from the philippines laughs it off as we start driving through the backstreets of baclaran. late night vendors. people sleeping on the streets. they got no food to eat but they're watching the opium that is tv. i see some women standing on the street - waiting. people getting off and on the jeepneys that i used to ride... im back in a car watching from tinted windows.

**

were staying at the de la salle hotel for tonight (my mom wanted to save and i told her i had some folks in payatas but she refused..wonder why?? ha.) there is a running shower. toilet paper. no rats. no epis. no butike. a flushing toilet. tv. free internet. not wrong or right just different?? im trying to remember everything i learned everything i saw everything i felt ... to further deepen the situation im currently reading AMERICA IS IN THE HEART by carlos bulosan .. a heartwrenching depressing reality check of the filipino experience that began with the manongs and continues today with OFWs .. reading it on the way here has put me in a mentality of the history of struggle our people continue to face, ignore, battle, and conquer everyday..

*

im here for the main purpose of being ninang for my couins baby .. if i didn't tell you i was going its because i just found out myself three days ago .. on the upside im looking forward to seeing the samaritana ladies (and 2 men) ...fudgee bars (dont worry kimmy and jen I GOTCHU!! hahah) ... and the fact thats its the fruit season here .. but of course..even tho im just here for a baptism the familiar silence of the philippines has entered my heart again and with humble cooperation, i welcome it gladly.

peace from the philippines..
`bienOwie