hmm...post grad depression begins......now.

haha .. so .. i'd like to say im back. but if i did refer to a "back" it must infer that in this location lies a starting place .. somewhere i came from ... somewhere i associate leaving .. but i dont.

im here. thats better ..

im here. in the ac. eww. haha .. no one tells you life after college is like .. hmm..let me rephrase that..no one tells you that life after ucsd kp life is like this... i miss san diego. the weather. the people. the conversations. the peace. i thought i'd never say this but san diego became home. especially after my parents moved. me and dunn both agreed ... we felt like we belonged there. even in la jolla .. ive grown accostomed to feeling out of place .. and threatening to all the hohum white people who feel i dont belong there .. haha ..weirdly enough i felt safe in my displacement.

visiting sd is like visiting an old loved one you're not supposed to love anymore or you're trying to be friends with... haha .. being in their presence is a weird mix of emotion caught between not wanting to be there because "youve moved on" and feeling the most comfort you've felt in a long time. you know all its secrets so you lay comfortably in their presence and at one surprising moment you realize that that person, or san diego, has more to offer than you explored ... but you know it can never be the same .. the reality is that san diego..or she .. will always be there as a memory but never again a reality like it had been .. damn .. what a breath of bittersweet fresh warm (not 20 degree) air ..

here.

im lost. trying to stay positive..trying to be set in this mentality.

my plan thus far: to study for the gres and work to pay for my travelling plans. haha. but i kinda like it.. i like being able to wake up and do what i want to do .. taking care of things i've pushed aside for the past 5 years for kp .. like blogging. ha. and watching movies. the hardest part has got to be living at home. i hate it.

free rent + free food = free access to nowie. anytime. anywhere. anyway. i am the resident counselor. food preparer. utos extrodinaire (sp?). every moment is free game to ask nowie to do something or to start fighting with nowie. about politics. about what im doing with my life. about what i should do. its like a war zone. with a billion people involved because this house is NEVER empty. im trying to get used to it..trying to acquire a family mentality .. the reality of household chores, problems, and routine .. but im trying ..

im praying for peace and purpose .. that God will give me peace with today and what is has to offer .. and that He will continue to guide me to where He wants me to be .. also praying for a home church .. and for folks to make this feel like home .. im far from it .. but im on my way.

`bienOwie.