just a little update ..

hmm.. today God reminds me that He has been my confidence since my youth .. that He has seen me through so many trials and each time He restores my life .. today i thank God for being faithful to me..

life has been tough these past months but the little faith i managed to have has brought me through ..

random thanks to God:
* peace with Jeff
* my family
* getting laid off - and getting rehired
* getting paid for PISTA!!!
* dunny my love
* vallejo's hidden gems (yes they do exist)
* friends in vallejo
* my rOOts <3
* the clariza family

God is always in control .. and proverbs 16:9 rings true now more than ever .. so why plan!?! haha ..anywho .. im doing better today and i praise God ..

in other crazy news..me and jeff are at peace so in light/response of that occasion i wrote this ..

****

Did you ever go to summer camp?
You know, 5 days away from home – God, shorts and boys?
I did.
And I loved it.

Camp was the highlight of my existence as a young teenage Christian.
Camp was more than star lit God centered nights
More than clever camp clichés and chants
Camp was more than vacation
It was an institution.

An institution of anticipation for a promise of God’s blessings .. and as a young girl ..
Gods blessings partly came in the form young God loving boys .. haha ..

I mean, not that I was there for that, but it was definitely a nice perk. Cmon..you remember..

Late night conversations in neutral territory,

“How’s your walk? What are your struggles?”
But what we wanted to say was,

“Wassup girl!?! You got a man?? Is he Christian? ..Cuz I am”

haha.. but we got there.

We stood in wait all week
While gossip oozed out of girls cabins and “prayer requests.”
They floated in air with secret glances and danced with admiration as we watched each other praise an amazing God… who graciously watched us swoon over His creation.

It was a game.
Manufacturing meetings at the food line, waiting with whispers to sit at that certain someone’s table, spraying scented secrets so we could still smell sweet in the woods..
It was a game, and we were good at it.

The final night comes along and this was it.
The closer.
The final score.
Did we play the game good enough to be clutch for our hearts?

Tears.
She likes him but so does her best friend.

“My boyfriend back home isn’t Christian so I think I’ll end it”-------
“Why hello there, I’m [insert name of eager teenage boy watching her all week] ..I noticed you were crying..wanna pray?”

and that, was that.

We tried to stay up until our eyes begged our hearts to calm down.
There are boys rapping in the corner and some are singing on the floor.
I used to think that when you became Christian, along with salvation came the ability to play the guitar.
The night weeds out the weak and the strong pray for the sun to sleep just a little longer..
Yet in opposition to their prayer requests with a precise inevitability,
The sun pushes darkness to cloud, and it was time to say goodbye.

We cried, no doubt.
And not just because there were no more game to play, not because there were no more boys to flirt with..
We knew most that below our mountain of mercy a world awaited us, ready to devour our devotion.

Pictures. Hugs. Keep in touches. Addresses (there was no myspace then..ha).
Vowing to write daily, pray daily, remember daily
We parted and the only question that remained was how much would camp seep into life?
How much would camp seep Into reality away from our world that we only knew?

Well, surprisingly enough..for me, every year it did –
In a romance that marked my life in ways I’ll never be able to ..fathom.

You were my summer camp.
From the time I was 11 you were my yearly question, motivation, anticipation.
You were it.
Forced letters and mix tapes
Preteen cologne and awkward pictures that gave our parents heart attacks
The never ending unspoken competition to my boyfriend back home
You were it. My felicity.
Stopped heart as I got off the bus and you stared.
Locked eyes as I danced to my evolving rhythm.
Cold hands combined in group prayer.
Felicity.

You were 1st romance.
1st game played.
I like you. 1st move.
One song sung. Step closer.
Let me take you to prom. I see the finish line.
A visit to the Bay. Game over.

I gave myself to uncertainty.
A 600 mile frequent flyer commitment to a childhood dream.
Dancing to the music of the moonlight
- in my mama’s living room, in our pajamas, we were little kids playing house.
Painted gifts marked utopia Wednesday bliss, strummed to lullabies that kept me wanting –
More camp in my reality.
More fairytales into existence.
I was a princess in between I love you’s and phone cards, jealous ex’s and surprise visits.
You were the only definition of romance I knew and it seemed to live melodically in the hush of your song.
I’d catch your exhale and breathe it in to be my inhale – you were my everything.
And maybe, that was the problem.
Because just like every mountain experience, sin settled and we fell-
Hard.

Into ignorance. Advantage. Into a nightmare.
Premature love notes became eyes locked shut waiting for it to stop.
Into silent tears because I gave in.
I questioned my worth. I lost the meaning equated to respect.
Sin walked in and tricked us into thinking each other was the enemy and hate became the new game.
How could we avoid peace today?
What new ways could I purge every memory of past love from my soul?
How could this happen and how could I forget you?

I stayed there.
Still in darkness.
Huddled softly in a memory that didn’t even seem to exist.
Did we really once love?

Ironically enough, I think we were all there.
All in our own little corners, growing up alone wondering how to reconcile past cries to God and a current emptiness that nothing seemed to fill.
I lay there.
Crawled there – in the middle of hope dreams and frustrated screams until I was ready..
To find camp again.

But this time it was different.
I was grown. A queen unto myself I unloosed my heroes tragedy into the ocean and it swallowed it into peace.
No games this time, just honesty and 8 rays of strength permeating hardened skin through my Creator who brought healing.
I though I had lost camp, but in reality, camp was always in me.
All the secrets were tucked into the fabric of my prayers, being mended with each sign of humility.

And with one sweep motion,
I am back.

I am amazed that one solid memory had kept me there…that solid memory was you.
You and all your happiness, twisted logic, and character building.
You and 10 years of growth, anger, and love.
You.

Is it really you?
I can hardly believe the laughter rising from our memories, connecting us as it once did, hundreds of miles away.
Felicity. A different kind.
I guess after all these years, camp and reality made a pact to intertwine contradictions and it became ours.

But it is not new.
Well worn and torn, it’s easy to fall back
Into comfort
Into friendship
The continuation of a chapter written long ago before raised fist, critique and college degrees.

I stay still.
In my smile.
In a moment that finally seems to fuse healing with our friendship.
This is what peace likes.

I walk slowly off the bus,
Checking my hair to make sure if it has endured the ride.
Make a quick glance and like clockwork,
There he is,
Smiling like he sees something special in me that no one else sees.
This is our moment.

I gave in you know.
Whole heartedly, just as I do now.
But I guess, like all camps, it has to end.
Three short days of elevated existence, and then like always, we must say goodbye,

“Goodbye.
Take care..
It was a blessing meeting you...”

But this time I close my eyes and smile,
Because now I know that camp will never really end..
It will always be with me
in prayer, song, and romance.

****

.. this year is definitely the year of surprises and love (22 = love according to arabelle) haha ..

peace [&/in] positivity
`nOwie