don't really believe in this stuff..

BUT .. i dont want to study .. and dude!!! they said i freaken look like jung-suh!!??!??! HOW COOL IS THAT!?!?! hahahah .. thats all..true or not this stuff is hella funn!!!

"That blank space on your map, that's where i was born."

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[barbara jane reyes] ..does the fact that we are born of a history that screams darkness, confusion, latent strength destine us to a journey of the same?..

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so i'm taking a chance .. in posting real feelings and struggles i hope to gain support, prayers, thoughts .. you know all that stuff friends are supposed to do... haha .. i dont know how to say it without being cynical..but those of you who really know me know i have trust issues .. but anyway..

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i watched marsha's dad's movie "the gift of barong" on tuesday .. and it was really good. it was kinda slow in the beginning but once they travelled to the philippines it picked up..aesthetically and emotionally. as the camera spanned across the palenkes, jeepneys, beaches, beauty, struggle, smiles, homes i literally had to hold myself in memory and pain. i miss the philippines. so much.

i miss the people. their strength overlapping each others to make one people under the S(u/o)n. their hope and care for life and each other. the language that dances sweetly on my tongue and fits perfectly with my ears. the activism that breaks all previous thoughts of activism and creates a new one just for my people. videoke. balut. the air that has the power to confuse me and envelop me in one swift motion of a scent. their faith in a God who stores their tears in His p(s)alms, redeeming them one by one minute by minute smile by smile.

i miss not caring about what i looked like. im not lying when i say i think that the tv and myspace is slowly sucking in my soul. making me want and desire for things i know don't even matter. i miss being inspired by God at every moment of my waking life. you know i never spent one quiet time alone in a room, i never really got inspired by a sermon on sunday but i was more at peace and in tune with God daily than i am now. here i have to search for it. i was reading my journal and there's a page that i wrote down all the "gifts" i received from God my last week with samariatana. one of the gifts included eating kfc. another was eating fish balls, hot dog, and popcorn. yet another was looking at pictures and singing an old school christian song with the women. because life was so simple, the extra things in life stood out more. here where i have access to everything and everyone everything seems mundane.

i thought i'd be grateful forever. i thought id conserve water for life. i want to roll myself in a malong and throw my soul back to the place that brought me so much joy. back to a place where i wasn't condemned for caring about women. to a place where i didn't have to be anybody but God's little girl.

im floating. in ambiguity. in disappointment with this life. in hopes for something to happen. every moment i continue to lose ground. every moment i float a little further from sanity. every moment i grasp for air in high altitude. this is my silent proposal for change. this is my desperate tear searching for prayer. please keep these moments safe.

peace aint that easy.
`bienOwie

p.s. ironically, my parents are going to the philippines today. i can't go because of classes. again school gets in the way of my education. (ha). please keep them in your prayers for a safe trip..especially because they're going to mindanao for the first time since the kidnapping.. thanks yall.. God bless..ingat..

the inevitable blog..

yes on relationships.

..and the familiar question comes into play. do we ever really get over our ex's? like jay said although we'd like to purge these people from our lives, we can never do so because they are always going to be there. in our hearts ..in our stories .. our pains.. in our relationships. so then if thats the case, that we never really are over ex's then what does "moving on" entail? is it just being at peace with what it was and accepting wassup then moving forward? is it not caring? not loving? understanding? then what of friendship? what do you do when you miss that person? what if you miss that person after 3,4,5 years after ..does that mean you're not over that person? are you even ever supposed to be? i like to say that i am waiting to be "ready" to be in a commited relationship ..but what is "ready"? do i need to redefine that?

well, that made my head ache just a little bit more. wonderful. bottom line is that i dont get why ex's still bug me. why can't i just run away..or fix it. do i just have to live with this akwardness forever as a consequence? hmm...

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on a random note..i like the new fergie cd. not too bad .. her slow stuff is dope.one of my faves is mary jane shoes until she gets all no doubtish..finally ..velvet..big girls dont cry ..fergielicious..london bridge (shet up)...yea .. hahaha.. anywho..

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not going to italy anymore .. so starting mid december i am a free woman. trying to find a job/housing outside of american canyon .. so please pray for that if yall have any time.. miss you all.. love you!


peace
God bless,
`nOwie

i JuS wAnNa K.i.T. !! hahahhaah ;)

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haha..okay so as much as i am anti people posting up their ish on the internet for everyone to see .. i thought i might try it .. one as my desperate attempt at keeping in touch with those i love and trust and miss and love (THATS YOU!) .. and for my idiotic desire to want to write about the random things that i think about without regard .. and with hopes of some feedback. so here i am. no big words .. no fancy shmancy artsy fartsy spoken word cliche






pauses. i said...pauses? (ha) . it's just my attempt at embracing these wings im getting used to and flying .. simple yea? hopefully ..

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school just started and for once im completely excited to go to class .. and read. i guess its because for the past four years i've been moving so fast that i never had time to really enjoy the joys of learning. yes, quite dorky, but hey i love me some good reads =)

thought about it today and something just isn't right. or maybe everything is right and im just not used to it. my life thus far has been unconventional..surprising..and nothing i thought it would be .. you'd think i'd get used to it by now. i've wasted about thirty minutes of my life trying to figure out how to put a different layout on this thing and i think i have failed.

sometimes i want to sleep faster so i can get to the part when i am awake. and not necessarily to do things .. but to be awake to things. to hear new songs and whisper new secrets .. to watch new life and write more realities. but im sure ill learn the value of sleep soon enough. peace til it dawns.

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random quote of the day " DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?!?!" haha.