simplyme.

team nOwie!

2009-03-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

***

2009 goals

~~-clean up credit / pay off debt~~

~~-open a savings account~~

-watch the sunrise

-wear a gown somewhere

-sky dive

-get my tattoo

-pierce my lip

-send birthday cards to my ina-anaks

-fall in love with Jesus (getting there <3)

~~-write more~~

~~-take care of my body~~

~~-get back to my passion for justice~~

its only march .. maybe i'll need to make a new list soon :)

**

happy moments of the day

a high five and a "i'm happy"

nail polish and bruised knuckles

dad out of bed

*

relocation: yes, i got on the band wagon .. =)

hellabiens.wordpress.com

republicans are HURT.

2009-02-06T10:15:00.000-08:00

he straight called the republicans tired. 1/3 into his speech he say f the teleprompter and spoke from his heart. you can see his frustration and determination to get some change to happen. i should pray for him really..it seems like the republicans are acting like butt hurt kids who just want to say no to see him fall - thus making america fall & ameriKKKa reign. it's so frustrating .. i'm trying to figure out what it is i can do to help.

**

last week we watched Shadows of War by Bindlestiff @ the Presidio. As an art form, it could have been a lot more clean and powerful (can i smell a pcc rant coming on?). But the mere fact that it was at the Presidio ..with many a military white men present .. made it worth it. It was symbolic, ironic, and empowering to finally see history written by those who lost instead of those had viciously won.

someone asked "i mean, how many Filipinos actually died during this .. 'thing'?" 616,000 sucka. and yes, it was your government and your people.

and i felt it. that fire for our history and education swell within me. i felt it warming my heart and reminding me that these moments of discovery need to be protected and honored - in the classroom, over dinner, and in my tumbling mind. it connected me to the parts of my core that i'm sure of. to the parts i know are not evil, and are worth investing in and seeing through.

*

i am reconnecting myself to everything i knew once that had made me whole. God, reading, self reflection, justice, education .. i am overwhelmed by that passion to do. last weekend was comprised of shadows of war, environmental justice in pandacan, and my pastor coming back from the philippines and working with women caught in prostitution. ecm discussions and the not for sale audiobook. i am tired of learning and i want to being doing. i feel like my heart is going to burst for the injustice and sadness in this world. i want to go to every sex bar and save every little girl and boy. i want to go to nepal and eat pizza. i want to breathe change. but i know there is purpose in my solitude. that i can only see my reflection in still waters and not the rushing river.

river rise. and take me home.

p.s. one of the kids i work with asked me,"when you grow up are you gonna be a teacher??" hahha. aww. i thought i was growned uped!!

"well? one man's dream is another man's lunch.."

2009-01-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

** thank you to dunn, genesis, and claire for letting me steal your pictures :) **

in reflecting on my time in la..i thought it be best, of course, to compile a list.

lessons learned from la

1) there is no need to stand in lines or pay cover if you are a woman. a new concept really. a new concept to club not wearing my chucks, long sleeve flannel, and cords. haha. thank you claire for all the clubbing wisdom you have imparted on me.

2) when working a 9-5, there can be life on the weekdays. laptops...dextor.. random photo shoots .. "urkel" .. abbreviating freakin everything .. la ceets .. family dinners .. story time .. downtown art walk .. apples to apples ... who knew we could murk the weekdays just as hard as the weekend!?!

3) having girlfriends is possible .. and more beautiful than i could have ever imagined. one of the most, if not THE most important lesson learned in la. i was blessed to be surrounded by beautiful, strong, empowered, inspirational woman every day. from work to after work to bed time stories with fatti. it was -it is refreshing to know that sisterhood is more than what stereotypes continually feeds us. to all my ladies - the divas, the hard workers, the queens, the miss independents - i love you and thank you for the lessons and the journey to come.

4) i am at my most peaceful when i am living independently. when i finally stepped into la, i breathed a sigh of relief.
no one to answer to but me and my God.
it was hard no doubt, and i was broke no doubt (ha) but i'd rather be broke and snipping coupons than relinquish the simple power of deciding when and where imma do my laudry!!

5) i should start yelping home cooked meals. when jill and jojo came to visit they asked us where to eat - and i was really at a loss. haha.
i realized that in my stay in la i hardly ate out - besides the occasional dirty dog, versailles, roscoe's (you get my unhealthy musts of la vibe) - bc we always cooked. 5 stars for marks salads, gen's champorads, dunn's fried rice, jon's tomato concoction, fatti's cutting skills & support, patty's cornbeef, claire's bacon something & kristine's everything. ha. "a family that eats together stays together"

6) flasks are my new best friend. its green and cheap. nuff said.

7) traffic is expected & honking your horn is best used as a vent rather than precautionary measures. everyone is a crazy, but good, driver in la. so getting cut off, not being let in when you signal - it's expected. but although you expected it, and you're having a bad day and you just want to scream after the 3rd hour in traffic - the only thing you CAN do is honk. go ahead. its okay. but just know, no one cares. ha

8) dirty dogs are a better after club food than silog. not gonna lie. 2 for $5 - ready in 5 minutes?? don't tell me thats worst than waiting for an hour at lucky chances! just try it - with guac please!

9) if you are paying more than $10 on your shoes, you are being hustled. the secret and love of la. that's all i have to - and can - say!

10) winter can mean tsinelas, ice cream, the beach and Christmas lights all at the same time. winter is relative.
winter in la is my favorite. there are no layers or sipon or sleeping in fetal position with 5 blankets over my head. there is only possibilities of swimming, eating ice cream outside, and ice skating with just a sweatshirt. like dunn said .. my body was made for la!

11) watching tv shows should be left to a couch at home. i was once enamored by watching tv show tapings. until i went to one. 3 hours of the osbournes is one hour too much. watch out for us tho on tv!!

12) beverly hills kids are exactly what you think they are. i taught in beverly hills for a couple of months.. their lack of respect for authority, fancy cars, and louis vitton wallets made me glad their education wasnt free. haha

13) its only pronounced "row-day-oh" (Rodeo Dr.) north of the 10. the most legit and known line between rich, poor, and ridiculous.

14) when people say they are from la ... they usually aren't. i've learned that there is a certain swag that comes from foreal living in la la .. so sorry o.c. & the valley ... that swag doesnt apply to you .. p.s. i think this might be the cause of the "la dont love you" shirt. ha.

15) although i do love me some pea coats, fitted hats, and dope sneaks .. la is the fashion capital of the west coast (and la hipsters like to wear scarves and flannels to simulate coldness). a tribute to my cousin patty and aimee for their impeccable draw to fashion and fashion finds in la. and yet another tribute to la swag (and my friends who do it right).

16) education is my passion & math is pretty dope. most of my post college jobs have been in education and i am grateful for that .. working on curriculum and getting to brainstorm ways in which i can help students learn efficiently, effectively, and funninly (ha) really is something i know i can and will do for the rest of my life. and i gotta say - the math lessons peggy and i came up with are pretty cool :)

17) non prof education kicks corporate education's ass. it's the same passion, the same drama - but a different mentality on execution in schools and in employment. i was blessed by co workers who actually cared about each other and really wanted what was best for the students.

18) edward cullen will reconnect you to your giggles. oh edward cullen. i know, i know it's written by a mormon house wife .. but damn. homegirl knows her romance. for cereal tho? the twilight saga changed my life. hahah if you want to giggle, reminisce about teenage love, or just start to imagine that you're worth that same dream you dreamt in high school - read the damn book. *sigh ... edward cullen, i love thee.

19) movie moments do and will continue to exist in my life. thank you to those who believed in it too :)

20) i can do it. and i will do it again. i up'd and left. i created a life of my own by myself, for myself. i did it. i proved to myself that i could do without my parents, with my own will and hard work, with my own prayers and surrender... and although it was cut short, that pure knowledge sits at the back of my throat like a new flame. a fire that is being born within me to keep doing it .. to keep dreaming and to really make those dreams happen.

thank you L dot A dot for sharing with me your secrets, beauty, fakeness, and g status class...

"Where you never have to wear your triple goose on Christmas
You can miss us with the blizzards and the winters
The hurricanes unless it's in some glasses with some actresses
Perfect frame, silicone or real it don't matter if she paid for it
Every single trend you can probably thank L.A. for it
Bandanas, facelifts, quick trips to Vegas
White t-shirt, Chuck Taylors or them K-Swiss
Poplockin, Crip walkin, chronic blunts, G-Funk
A place that everybody hate, but you gotta see once" -murs

**special thank you to chris for recovering my movie moment video .. you win!! :)

dreams.

2009-01-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

i am a high believer in the power of dreams. i dream often and i guess it's quite odd that i am fully aware and conscious in my dreams. i am able to recognize a dream, put things in my dreams or take things away, even reference reality in the midst of my dream. i dont know exactly what that means, but i have had a habit of writing down my dreams and looking back on them to see if they held any truth.

so, this is kinda weird but whatever .. haha

i had this dream where i was in the passenger side of a car. and i looked down on my legs and there were like plants growing on my leg! dub tee eff?!? ... and i tried to take out the flowers but it wasn't helping. so i finally took a knife or scissors or something and cut through the thick shell of plant surrounding my leg (kinda felt like cutting celery or a stalk of something) .. and when i freed myself from the plant cast .. my legs were hella hairy. hahhaa gross i know. and in my dream i remembered that i had just shaved the night before and i was like..eww this is gross. haha .. the end.

it was so weird i decided to look up what plants, legs, and hair meant..and here's what i found:

Legs

To see your legs in your dream, signifies that you have regained confidence to stand up and take control again. It also implies progress and your ability to navigate through life. If your legs are weak, then you may be feeling emotionally vulnerable.

To see someone else's legs in your dream, represents your admiration for that person. You need to adopt some of the ways that this person does things.

To dream that you legs are wounded or crippled, signifies a lack of balance, autonomy, or independence in your life. You may be unable or unwilling to stand up for yourself. Perhaps you are lacking courage and refuse to make a stand.

If you are a woman and dream that your legs are hairy, then it suggests that you domineering or that you dominate in the relationship.

PLANTS: Plants are associated with growth be it good or bad. In a positive sense we encourage people to adopt new ideas and ways of behaving. But in a negative sense we often pick up bad new habits. The growth of such new ways of behaving is linked to plants. In another sense plants can symbolise illness which is growing within us. [KEY WORDS : Self improvement, personal growth, teach, encourage ]

KEY PHRASES:
- "teaching"
- "encourage"
- "personal growth"
- "bad new habit"

so here goes. my internet based interpretation. considering that i am moving forward and into new things, dreaming about encouragement and ability to progress is suiting. i recently have made a solid decision to make definite choices in my life to change the way i live. cutting off whatever was holding me back from my leg symbolizes my surrender and readiness to really move forward in my emotions, relationships, spirituality, and discipline. yea. sounds about right. hahaha

***

more lists.

february - visit la fam :)
march - rest and save
april - eat. pray. love. cruise
may - vegas & cheese coast/canada
june & july - (hopefully and prayerfully) visions summer adventure
august - start school

**

day by day i am moving to a new me. i praise God for His faithfulness and serenity. 2009 you are going to be THA bOmB.

*

taken by dunny =)

its thursday.

2009-01-08T11:46:00.000-08:00

i woke up and it was thursday. THURSDAY. just a little more than a week and i'm off again. packing again. everyday is beautiful tho and i have been more thankful and joyful than i've ever been .. in Christ there is joy..peace.

i am excited for this year..excited for possible trips & the inevitable growing pains. i'm adding to my goals for this year :: to travel, volunteer, and learn something this summer outside of california.

some options:

http://www.globalexchange.org/tours/byCountry.html
http://www.dosomething.org/

i'm praying and asking God what's best for me ..and if any of these options are even viable.. hmm.

**
for freedom.
i crossed boundaries and seas. i've agreed to sacrifice being my lead. for freedom i have jumped out and onto the ambiguity of tomorrow. i have grown love onto my veins and racing hearts onto my planning. i am where i need to be. on my way to where i should go. and locked into the simplicity of surrender.

*

people.
soulmates.

for only but a moment or a lifetime? genesis and i were talking last night about people. if we believe in soulmates. i do. but not necessarily for an eternity. like genesis, i believe that people come into our lives everyday and have a purpose. maybe that purpose will last until you grow old together, maybe that purpose will end after you both have learned whatever it is God intended you to learn.

as the looming date of 1/09 and 1/18 comes, i can't help but think about the heartprints of my life. those who i have shared moments with..those who have left...those who i have let go of (or need to let go of) .. i guess i believe in soulmates. i guess it all boils down to being able to determine how long them folks are supposed to be around huh?

ah. the lessons of life.

it's time for something different...it's finally time for change!

peace out 2008.

2009-01-05T14:05:00.000-08:00

2009 goals

-clean up credit / pay off debt

-open a savings account

-watch the sunrise

-wear a gown somewhere

-sky dive

-get my tattoo

-send birthday cards to my ina-anaks

-fall in love with Jesus

-write more

-take care of my body

-get back to my passion for justice

i love lists.

2008-12-03T09:11:00.000-08:00

things to do before i leave la (which is a whole other story)

hollywood cemetary - watch a movie (womp womp .. only in the summer !! :/ )
getty
griffith observatory - horse back riding in griffith park
museuem of tolerance
museum of natural history
watch a movie at disney el capitan theatre - character breakfast
hike to hollywood sign
sprinkles
scoops
rollerblade in venice
bowl at lucky strike
hollywood movie premiere - http://www.seeingstars.com/Calendar/index.shtml#premieres
walk chinatown
explore downtown more
wednesday night dub club
la brea tar pits
wach a tv screening
sing kareoke in korea town - http://www.yelp.com/biz/feel-los-angeles#hrid:ArxMb1pxwxRvPWkh8_AAig/query:kareoke
Pueblo de Los Angeles Historic Monument
go to a hollywood swanky club and see some celebs

CHRISTmas to DO!!!

drink mint hot chocolate and read a book
ice skating outdoors
take pictures with HUNKY santa
do santa arts and crafts
go to a christmas festival with gaudy arts and crafts
see houses that have cool lights
decorate!!
go to christmas in the park (san jose!)
dwp festival of lights
buy christmas socks!
buy christmas pajamas (onesies!)
make a real gingerbread house
wear christmas earrings, pins, and loveliness!
be cold in union square and eat hot dogs on the corner
wear scarves and mittens and thick coats
wear my reindeer ears downtown
listen to christmas songs (a must - mariah carey. nsync. britney spears. monica. christmas shoes. opm christmas jams.)
watch christmas movies (see list below) while eating popcorn from a holiday popcorn tin (that has the 3 kinds of popcorn) and holiday cookies - my favorite ones with the sugar sprinkles on them
throw dope christmas parties with themes and such
eat all the new kinds of candy canes!! (there' are ones with bubble gum in them!!!)

CHRISTmas movies

this christmas
elf
scrooge
all i want for christmas
a christmas story
grinch
the nightmare before christmas

any suggestions ..for any of the lists?? wanna join me ?? YAY!!!!!

need to do this one more

2008-09-14T12:47:00.001-07:00

for freedom.

i breathe into you
into unknown and untravelled
release the inhibition of pain
let it heal me
for fear can only hold me
for so long

i want to breathe you
intoxication of independent indecision intolerant of personal democracy
it has to be a choice you see?
to let me fear free
the darkness will be seduceed by my light
open my heart and scream flight
the Wind my guide

breathe deeply
into new stories
for prediction of depth
has no place in new strength
i am ready to release chaos only to breathe in security
fill me once with air sweet of surrender
twice until i am liberation for love

no more holding and waiting for change
i am the change i wish to see
it is not in you but me
breathe change into existence
breathe into it

i begin with a hope

i have gained new visions on your love
it is momentary
quick flashing convalescent colors
diluted in a sunset burning my eyes
your sunset used to bring me flowers
but now adoration is too late to keep me waiting

one day
my secrets will drown you into loving me
one day
youll teach me peace through insanity
one day
my tears will be enough to defeat this silence
one day
your love will flow consistent

past paths have brought me here again
i released power too soon
and was left under the moon
to regain what's left of my shame
what was once reality
are now hopeless fantasies
of your return

and can i say ???

2008-09-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

by 25.

clean up my credit. have a stable savings account. really get into something crafty (haha).wear a gown somewhere.watch the sunrise. go skydiving.

**

it's funny that now that i'm in la, i know that the bay is my home...i'm not going to lie i miss it .. but i know that la needs to happen.

i deserve the dream. and God is bringing it to me. i have been so blessed this last month...with moving .. vegas and new york .. our apartment .. fixing things with my parents .. my job .. i am truly relearning faith and surrender. every morning i wake up and literally think, "what am i doing here??" hahah .. its crazy but exciting ... i am all up in the ambiguity ..and im loving it.

*

i am obsessed with in the heights..it was moving to see people of color on stage confusing the rich white people on broadway. to hear songs about machismo .. parental sacrifice.. and community pressure. not to mention benny makes me want to melt into his eyebrows of love haha .. in the heights is the bomb. (yea i said it) get on that son!!

one.

2008-07-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

one picture a day. an idea per my best friend dunny darko.
to remember. to reflect. to grow.

today? ..."weeknights."

this is my attempt at trying to create a home. a very elusive and relative idea it seems.

today at starbucks i ordered a "Tall White Tea." ha. i giggled. the barista did not. hope someone enjoyed that.

comfort eats..

2007-08-08T12:47:00.001-07:00

[a vent - after watching SiCKO for the 2nd time]

last night i comfort ate.

and not for a boy but for a country.

a country plagued by poison sent over media waves and material things we never wanted until we turned on a tv. a country driven by greed and individualism. a country that seems to squash dreams of a integrated society built on community and solidarity and other buzz words i only seem to hear in spoken word pieces. buzz words that i cant seem to put into practice even though i can talk a whole lot about revolution and the death of it.

free universal health care for everyone. for everyone. young, old, poor, rich, white, black, brown, queer, down. there is so much to do but i dont know how to do it. Lord you've given me passion and a burden..a heart for change but i dont know what to do with it. i dont know where to go and i dont know if educating the masses is enough. if making sure children are learning the right things is enough.

i call for mental genocide.

i call for a mass death of all things unclean. of all things unseen because of our friend hegemony. they even got filipin@s turning on everyone who isn't filipin@. they. they. i haven't felt this anger in a long time and the fire is consuming as if my heart was made of wood. but its not..it is made of makibaka huwag matakot. it is made of drive and hope .. the only hope thats left at the end of the day working for corporate america who pays its teachers $14 an hour even though we're teaching 12th graders how to read .. even though we're teaching A.D.D. students not on medication how to sit still ..even though we're dealing with psycho parents who push their kids to do better...their privileged white kids whose parents dont have to work 2 - 3 jobs but take them to golf instead.

maybe deep down inside im a commi. maybe deep down inside i want to revolutionize amerikkka by putting out music and tv and movies that encourage community.. magazine adds that accept people for the way they are .. reality tv shows about anorexia and the stupidity of body image .. maybe deep down inside the Christian in me is mad at Christianity for reinforcing these stereotypes ..for being a religion instead of a relationship.. for being for the rich instead of struggling to be like the poor .. for putting out positive images that only rich people can afford. maybe we need to band together and be angry and fight and protest and be French? MAYBE ..its a lost cause

and maybe .. i want to write but can't because i have to go to work to pay off my loans that wouldn't even exist if i lived in another country.

tormented by truth i see... my insides ache for the hurt.

2007-07-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

"when we reveal ourselves to our partner and find that this brings healing rather than harm, we make an important discovery-that intimate relationship can provide a sanctuary from the world of facades, a sacred space where we can be ourselves, as we are....this kind of unmasking-speaking our truth, sharing our inner struggles, and revealing our raw edges-its scared activity, which allows two souls to meet and touch more deeply." -john welwood

i've got some beef with love - and romance. currently, im reading blue like jazz and all about love and in some weird twist of fate aka God being funny - its been all about love. donald miller says that romance can never be what we want it to be. bell hooks talks about a commitment to truth and self is necessary for love. donald miller also says that love is team work.

hmm ..

as far as i know right now love is a choice. it is learned and a conscious decision to act upon the concepts of love provided by God.. it is a conscious decision to remove the mask and risk vulnerability in order to connect more deeply. it is love languages and trying to love your partner and others in the best way that suits both parties. it is give and take. fear and freedom together in balance in heart and mind.

so my beef with love?
the nature of self seems to be set up for failure when put against the complexities of love.

bell hooks talks about the "wounded child" in both men and women that inhibit us from truly loving ourselves and each other. basically, we're all jacked up inside from past hurt, anger, and standards from every aspect of our lives (society, family, etc.) .. forgive my pessimism. so..we must unlearn and relearn positivity and self love and reflection and emotions and .. how is this possible for everyone in the world? and how can we as people seeking other people to love help each other to get to this point of true love? maybe we should plant CCC's all over the world and clone the beautiful people of the cross so we can all learn the beauty of 4 simple words, "how are you doing?" and learn how to really honestly answer that question ..

how do we erase fears of exposing our true selves at all times? how do we accept that we are not here to hurt each other? how do we fall in love with ourselves without threat of intimidation? and the everlasting question (at least in my mind) where does romance exist in all of this?

i wonder how much of my obsession with romance is social construct and how much of it can actually be attained. in talking about lies, bell hooks talks about how we put our best self forward when we first initially meet each other = game. if this is true, which i think it is, i really believe that we should be ourselves from the get so there are no false conceptions esp about romance. [out goes my logic and in comes my obsession] like when a guy spits game and writes letters, makes mix tapes, and when girls dont fart (ha) or giggle instead of speak up or never reveal insecurities.. we automatically think that this will be the constant - but it hardly ever is right? the little notes stop, the girls reveal insecurities and we all begin to ask "what happened?"

i wonder if its time for me to let go of my idea of romance as reality and to settle my feet onto ground that finds perfection in love "in between reasons to dress up". because thats why im growing to know love as. not the perfect movie moments but the moments that are mundane yet seem to be just right ... but i still love romance. haha ..i think im going in circles.

jay was right. the movement of the cross is definitely shifting my energy in weirdo ways.

peace & love & confusion.

[listening to - musiq.teachme ...this is the anthem throw your damn hands up]

just a little update ..

2007-05-30T13:01:00.000-07:00

hmm.. today God reminds me that He has been my confidence since my youth .. that He has seen me through so many trials and each time He restores my life .. today i thank God for being faithful to me..

life has been tough these past months but the little faith i managed to have has brought me through ..

random thanks to God:
* peace with Jeff
* my family
* getting laid off - and getting rehired
* getting paid for PISTA!!!
* dunny my love
* vallejo's hidden gems (yes they do exist)
* friends in vallejo
* my rOOts <3
* the clariza family

God is always in control .. and proverbs 16:9 rings true now more than ever .. so why plan!?! haha ..anywho .. im doing better today and i praise God ..

in other crazy news..me and jeff are at peace so in light/response of that occasion i wrote this ..

****

Did you ever go to summer camp?
You know, 5 days away from home – God, shorts and boys?
I did.
And I loved it.

Camp was the highlight of my existence as a young teenage Christian.
Camp was more than star lit God centered nights
More than clever camp clichés and chants
Camp was more than vacation
It was an institution.

An institution of anticipation for a promise of God’s blessings .. and as a young girl ..
Gods blessings partly came in the form young God loving boys .. haha ..

I mean, not that I was there for that, but it was definitely a nice perk. Cmon..you remember..

Late night conversations in neutral territory,

“How’s your walk? What are your struggles?”
But what we wanted to say was,

“Wassup girl!?! You got a man?? Is he Christian? ..Cuz I am”

haha.. but we got there.

We stood in wait all week
While gossip oozed out of girls cabins and “prayer requests.”
They floated in air with secret glances and danced with admiration as we watched each other praise an amazing God… who graciously watched us swoon over His creation.

It was a game.
Manufacturing meetings at the food line, waiting with whispers to sit at that certain someone’s table, spraying scented secrets so we could still smell sweet in the woods..
It was a game, and we were good at it.

The final night comes along and this was it.
The closer.
The final score.
Did we play the game good enough to be clutch for our hearts?

Tears.
She likes him but so does her best friend.

“My boyfriend back home isn’t Christian so I think I’ll end it”-------
“Why hello there, I’m [insert name of eager teenage boy watching her all week] ..I noticed you were crying..wanna pray?”

and that, was that.

We tried to stay up until our eyes begged our hearts to calm down.
There are boys rapping in the corner and some are singing on the floor.
I used to think that when you became Christian, along with salvation came the ability to play the guitar.
The night weeds out the weak and the strong pray for the sun to sleep just a little longer..
Yet in opposition to their prayer requests with a precise inevitability,
The sun pushes darkness to cloud, and it was time to say goodbye.

We cried, no doubt.
And not just because there were no more game to play, not because there were no more boys to flirt with..
We knew most that below our mountain of mercy a world awaited us, ready to devour our devotion.

Pictures. Hugs. Keep in touches. Addresses (there was no myspace then..ha).
Vowing to write daily, pray daily, remember daily
We parted and the only question that remained was how much would camp seep into life?
How much would camp seep Into reality away from our world that we only knew?

Well, surprisingly enough..for me, every year it did –
In a romance that marked my life in ways I’ll never be able to ..fathom.

You were my summer camp.
From the time I was 11 you were my yearly question, motivation, anticipation.
You were it.
Forced letters and mix tapes
Preteen cologne and awkward pictures that gave our parents heart attacks
The never ending unspoken competition to my boyfriend back home
You were it. My felicity.
Stopped heart as I got off the bus and you stared.
Locked eyes as I danced to my evolving rhythm.
Cold hands combined in group prayer.
Felicity.

You were 1st romance.
1st game played.
I like you. 1st move.
One song sung. Step closer.
Let me take you to prom. I see the finish line.
A visit to the Bay. Game over.

I gave myself to uncertainty.
A 600 mile frequent flyer commitment to a childhood dream.
Dancing to the music of the moonlight
- in my mama’s living room, in our pajamas, we were little kids playing house.
Painted gifts marked utopia Wednesday bliss, strummed to lullabies that kept me wanting –
More camp in my reality.
More fairytales into existence.
I was a princess in between I love you’s and phone cards, jealous ex’s and surprise visits.
You were the only definition of romance I knew and it seemed to live melodically in the hush of your song.
I’d catch your exhale and breathe it in to be my inhale – you were my everything.
And maybe, that was the problem.
Because just like every mountain experience, sin settled and we fell-
Hard.

Into ignorance. Advantage. Into a nightmare.
Premature love notes became eyes locked shut waiting for it to stop.
Into silent tears because I gave in.
I questioned my worth. I lost the meaning equated to respect.
Sin walked in and tricked us into thinking each other was the enemy and hate became the new game.
How could we avoid peace today?
What new ways could I purge every memory of past love from my soul?
How could this happen and how could I forget you?

I stayed there.
Still in darkness.
Huddled softly in a memory that didn’t even seem to exist.
Did we really once love?

Ironically enough, I think we were all there.
All in our own little corners, growing up alone wondering how to reconcile past cries to God and a current emptiness that nothing seemed to fill.
I lay there.
Crawled there – in the middle of hope dreams and frustrated screams until I was ready..
To find camp again.

But this time it was different.
I was grown. A queen unto myself I unloosed my heroes tragedy into the ocean and it swallowed it into peace.
No games this time, just honesty and 8 rays of strength permeating hardened skin through my Creator who brought healing.
I though I had lost camp, but in reality, camp was always in me.
All the secrets were tucked into the fabric of my prayers, being mended with each sign of humility.

And with one sweep motion,
I am back.

I am amazed that one solid memory had kept me there…that solid memory was you.
You and all your happiness, twisted logic, and character building.
You and 10 years of growth, anger, and love.
You.

Is it really you?
I can hardly believe the laughter rising from our memories, connecting us as it once did, hundreds of miles away.
Felicity. A different kind.
I guess after all these years, camp and reality made a pact to intertwine contradictions and it became ours.

But it is not new.
Well worn and torn, it’s easy to fall back
Into comfort
Into friendship
The continuation of a chapter written long ago before raised fist, critique and college degrees.

I stay still.
In my smile.
In a moment that finally seems to fuse healing with our friendship.
This is what peace likes.

I walk slowly off the bus,
Checking my hair to make sure if it has endured the ride.
Make a quick glance and like clockwork,
There he is,
Smiling like he sees something special in me that no one else sees.
This is our moment.

I gave in you know.
Whole heartedly, just as I do now.
But I guess, like all camps, it has to end.
Three short days of elevated existence, and then like always, we must say goodbye,

“Goodbye.
Take care..
It was a blessing meeting you...”

But this time I close my eyes and smile,
Because now I know that camp will never really end..
It will always be with me
in prayer, song, and romance.

****

.. this year is definitely the year of surprises and love (22 = love according to arabelle) haha ..

peace [&/in] positivity
`nOwie

lovely ..

2007-04-02T03:14:00.000-07:00

thank you mark for boris-ing my life :)

Boris .. the dutch winner of Dutch idol .. Solvang just got SO much cooler :)

i miss melting like this .. he melted the ice box where my heart used to be. yee. =)

its always wrong ..

2007-03-21T18:54:00.000-07:00

i found this .. i guess i knew it was wrong before i knew it was wrong .. its always wrong when no is not enough ..

jan29o4
he arrived
cold heart in my hand
offered me a drink and revealed himself to me
the reality
a jacked up heart w/in a renewed spirit
he could not grasp that his was not mine any longer
he slept in my advantage and tried to take root there
but when the morning rose
i remained silent and all that was left were
puffy cheeks that were there when we began

..a poem written by a poet we met in new york .. she said it right .. she breathed peace and created one more step to moving on .. she reminds me that this fight isn't over ..

WE, THE CHILDREN OF THE SOIL
written by eboni

I am getting sick and tired of being fuckin polite.
There will be no more apologies, "I'm sorry"s or "I
forgive you"'s
Forgiveness is a false virtue.
Only patience remains.
So I lie in wait.
Cataloguing my techniques of slaughter for that one
moment I have deserved.
You and me.
Just us.
We go way back like babies and pacifiers,
like hot peas n' butter,
likes screams and pillows over faces.
Look closely.
Look past the illusion womanhood has granted me.
No closer-
I am still her.
Paten-leather shoes,
Cherry Kool-aid mustache,
Dusty Cheez-Doodle fingertips.
This is where I hold my hatred.
This is where I hide all the battles that aren't worth
fighting anymore.
This is my ugly place,
My angry face,
and these are the 365 prayers I sewed into my cheeks
in the event that God misplaced my cries for
sanctuary.
Sutures sealing a mouth too small to hold you,
Yet just small enough to keep quiet,
as you performed your surgery without the courtesy of
anesthesia.
First incision-
Licked my wounds,
Antiseptic breath stinging,
Eyes watering
I'm FLATLINING/flatlining
Sugaring shut with rust and cum.
One thick jab,
the deepest,
I experienced in technicolor and surround sound/SOUND
3 6's punched into the walls of my womb.
Scarification ritual complete.
Recognize your signature?
Your John Hancock--ed-and-ready for a stick-up,
stealing that one moment that should've been spent on
teenage stupidity or a freshman year memory,
in the backseat with your undergrad prince
when you're still too shy to moan out loud so you just
smile and trust his eyes
and his hands.
And I try so hard.
I asked you politely to let me go and I'm getting sick
and tired of being fuckin polite.
My flesh owes you nothing.
Not even redemption.
I weighed the option of a pistol at your temple,
Pulling the trigger with no question.
Or carving my name in your forehead so that I'm always
on your mind.
Retrieving your sorry dick as a trophy to mount in my
living room so I can tell the story of the monster it
came from over coffee.
But I chose the less friendly approach.
Let Karma do her job.
Let Tomorrow clean up the mess.
Let Faith dissolve the scars.
Oh, you didn't know I was a child of the soil?
That the roots taught me to hold on like my branches
depended on it?
The winds told me to blow through what I got to, to
keep moving.
Learning the various tongues of the ether,
baby girl became a killer or a poet, at best.
My words became weapons,
This poem is my henchman,
Each letter, an assasin,
You are about to be written out of my existence.
They got your phone tapped,
House staked,
Ready to make moves when I say
make.
And as I speak them into fluition,
they take position in alleyways and behind closed
doors.
Assonance, Consonants,
Vowels and Alliteration,
And you may beg and barter for the ownership of your
final breath but I have asked that they take it
slowly.
After all, you have all of eternity to repay me.
Open your eyes,
Look closely.
I am not her anymore.
You have never heard the symphony of these singing
hips,
or the ballad of these breasts.
These are not fists,
they are hands,
and they are sore.
They've been holding onto your for as long as you've
been holding on to me.
And though you are altogether unnecessary,
you have become a brilliant scapegoat.
But I woke up this morning,
Felt my venom stir,
and I couldn't stop exploding
and I won't stop exploding till the last Viking is
left lying
and
All that remains-
My beauty reclaimed.
My body re-formatted to fit safely in the hands of
another man where I might cry or dance or moan like
the 2nd coming of Christ.
I'll never stop fighting.
Us children of the soil have magma in our veins.
No, I'll never stop fighting
But I have to start trusting,
The eyes
The hands
That say
It's over now.

afraid

2007-03-13T01:21:00.000-07:00

@ every heartbreak my mom used to always say "walang na mamatay sa pagibig.." ["no one ever dies from love!"]

but now i wonder .. does this go the same from lack of love?

random realities ..

2007-03-03T03:57:00.000-08:00

just some randoms for today ..

***

in the morning my mom went to walk outside of our hotel to find hot fresh baked pandesal (yea..be jealous haha) .. she failed. as she walked back into the hotel the folks working asked her what she wanted and to make a long story short they went and bought it for us and delivered it to our door. only in the philippines. but i must add that it was HELLA good .. esp with the coco jam ... mmmmm ...

then on the way to the christening (the reason why im here) we got pulled over by a cop (haha since my cousin was driving the wrong way on a one way street) ... he was talking to us for about 5 minutes ... my first encounter with a corrupt police man trying to get paid instead of giving us a ticket .. well my mom and cousin weren't having it so they didn't give in to paying him to get out of the ticket ... finally he let us go .. didn't know how to react to that ..

the christening was cool .. always a pleasure to meet family you didn't know you had ..

**

in the morning i came back to reading pathway to purpose .. in desperate search of finding why God would send me here .. and i began to see that i need to find peace in constant communication with him .. peace. haha my favorite gang sign. what a better place to just BE .... haha STUPID being .. haha .. this search for Gods perfect peace coupled with being a daughter (a role im beginning to learn again) has marked this trip .. so im taking it as it comes ..

*
on another random note. .im learning a lot about my roque side here .. more on that roller coaster later .. yesterday we passed by sm north edsa .the mini mart we used to get on the trics to tip top.. i spent most of yesterday in quezon city .. passed by ccp ..smokey mountain ... stories pouring out of my mouth ..i realized that nothing will ever compare to my summer with the treK.. its been a constant thought process .. a constant prayer .. but im trying to enjoy the blessing of being .. as always ;) haha ..

today we visit the Bible school my cousin wants to go to hope that goes well .. more randomness soon.. if ya got time please keep me and my mom in your prayers :)

ingats .. `nOwie

p.s. thanks for the prayers and emails yall .. its been a big blessing :)

[another ps. i watched nyoy volante and nina live last night.... HELLA dope. as in HELLA talaga. haha ;p)

here i go again ..

2007-02-28T08:54:00.000-08:00

14 hours later and im back.

home. ethnic studies mode. angry.

it starts in japan when i notice that all of first class are white men and koreans travelling to exploit my country as always...i felt like although so much healing has taken place, seeing them - plus a white guy behind me on the plane hitting on the filipina to the left of him - just opened the wound that was just starting to want to be changed ..

***

i step out and take a deep sigh..im back. the band is playing at 10oclock at night screaming mabuhay and smiling hoping for a tip.. i methodically take out passport and declaration slip ..wait for our baggage ... step into humidity and meet with my cousins family... ate jel used to live in the states and is stuck in the philippines .. and tita norie and tito joey frequent the states so it hit me slowly ...

traffic..smog..my american lungs failed me so i had to close the window and chose sweat over smog. in my head i retract a previous statement that driving in nyc is crazier than the philippines while my tito dodges a truck one inch away from taking me out. we stop and someone starts cleaning my titos windshield .. he says no and he continues to do it ..he then travels to the passenger window and starts begging my tita for money .. he is begging while staring at our luggage asking for pasalubong. i hear the influxes in his voice my mother gives in and gives him 50 pesos. hmm. as he walks away my aunt says its just going to be for rugby. i wonder if he'll use it for some of samaritanas women. about 10 seconds later two more men come up and start cleaning the car and asking for money. one young boy goes to the second passenger seat and is talking to my cousin .. "nay sige na..conte baria lang" (forgive the incorrect spelling) ... he is begging .. pleading with us .. seeing that we have bags and we have just come from the airport .. telling us that he'll use it to eat ..that its NOT for drugs .. he continues like this for around 5 minutes ..we're stuck in traffic we can't do anything .. a frank sinatra song is playing on the radio and ths soft melodic tones are a sharp contrast - or is it? - to his pleading voice.

i was lost .. stuck in the middle. if we give him money he'll leave but tell his folks and well get bombarded ... plus thats not exactly empowering the community is it? (i know theres a trek term for this but i forgot ... =X ) if we dont he starves a little more tonight .. i also think of the women who have to sell their bodies on the streets at this very hour ..and he is just asking for money .. my mom touches me as she knows i am holding back tears of confusion and realization and questions and a balikbayan advantage (ok so maybe she didnt know all that ..but she knew something was going on inside me). traffic picks up and as we leave he bangs the window..hard.

my family from the philippines laughs it off as we start driving through the backstreets of baclaran. late night vendors. people sleeping on the streets. they got no food to eat but they're watching the opium that is tv. i see some women standing on the street - waiting. people getting off and on the jeepneys that i used to ride... im back in a car watching from tinted windows.

**

were staying at the de la salle hotel for tonight (my mom wanted to save and i told her i had some folks in payatas but she refused..wonder why?? ha.) there is a running shower. toilet paper. no rats. no epis. no butike. a flushing toilet. tv. free internet. not wrong or right just different?? im trying to remember everything i learned everything i saw everything i felt ... to further deepen the situation im currently reading AMERICA IS IN THE HEART by carlos bulosan .. a heartwrenching depressing reality check of the filipino experience that began with the manongs and continues today with OFWs .. reading it on the way here has put me in a mentality of the history of struggle our people continue to face, ignore, battle, and conquer everyday..

*

im here for the main purpose of being ninang for my couins baby .. if i didn't tell you i was going its because i just found out myself three days ago .. on the upside im looking forward to seeing the samaritana ladies (and 2 men) ...fudgee bars (dont worry kimmy and jen I GOTCHU!! hahah) ... and the fact thats its the fruit season here .. but of course..even tho im just here for a baptism the familiar silence of the philippines has entered my heart again and with humble cooperation, i welcome it gladly.

peace from the philippines..
`bienOwie

breaKing bread..

2007-01-28T23:52:00.000-08:00

today at church the pastor talked about the table and its importance. that the table experience & breaking bread is essential to connection. just this week i was talking to mark about eating at the table with my family and how it usually is a must. in high school, my curfew was ... six oclock. yup..good ol six oclock. even the HELLA cool folks i'd kick it with at the library (gellert .. just to be exact .. haha) knew i had to be home by 6 in order to eat dinner with my fam.

and yes in high school i considered it to be the main murderer of my so called social life (yes again at the library) to sit down with my mom, dad, grandma and random family member that decided to drop by that day .. even if i wasn't hungry .. even if i had eaten .. even if i was in trouble .. that was the rule .. i had to be there.

i hated it. i hated being called out while doing homework or talking to my current *special friend* to eat fish (haha that was grandmas favorite thing to cook) .. but when i went to college and started creating a family of my own ..i realized how important and meaningful it was. how rare it was for fams to still eat together. and like most things i hated as a "pinay pride in teenage angst" (ha)..i have realized the importance of my beloved curfew and i thank my parents for it ..

and for the purpose of dinner time or "KAIN NA!!!!!!!" (my mom screams from the kitchen ... although now she just calls me on my cell .. yes .. from downstairs .. haha) i begin to remember .. solidify .. and share stories from my table. im really unsure of why .. especially here .. i guess i've always wanted to share my dads stories (if you know me .. you'd know i love telling stories about my dad) .. i've always wanted to write them down ... so .. might as well do it now and share it with the world :)

so..here goes :) enJOY the bread :)

***************

an easy one. and if anyone reads this .. im sure you've got your own. the table with my cousins. damn .. me, jill, jordan, and dan .. either at jills house in vallejo .. or at natoris (a japanese buffet where we used to pretend the battered shrimp were free willys...and where jordan was told to stop going to the buffet .. hahahahha).. or at any other restaurant .. we were infamous for not acting correctly .. if you can really define incorrect manners. but what i do remember was that not matter what we had to finish our food. and THIS was the bane of our existence ..the thorn of our flesh .. so in turn, we invented creative ways to respond....

FAMOUS CLARIZA TABLE TECHNIQUES

1. "JUST CHILL." chili from tlc was one of jills nicknames back then..and this is what we did at the table when we didn't want to eat anymore and our parents said we couldn't leave til we finished ... in our own little distorted way ..we thought that if we just waited long enough .. they'd forget we had to finish our food, receive a magical dose of compassino for their poor kids and let us gO!!!!

this technique never worked.

2. THE SPREAD AND SMILE. haha .. this is where we only had rice left on the plate sooo ..we perfectly spread out the rice left on our plate. hahaha .. not too much on any side of the plate but evenly enough so it appeared as if it was just scraps left. haha we were EXPERTS at this .. and YES! we did this without any previous training or teaching from each other ..it was as if ..it was in us..included in the fabric of our design ... PRAISE GOD! because this, worked wonders..

but not all the time .. so the times we just had too much rice left .. we had to pull out the acting skills.

3. COUGH AND GO. heheheh ... this was when (omgoodness i can't believe we did this) .. me and jill would stuff our faces with rice. like foreal. just put hella rice in our mouths and then cause ourselves to gag and "cough" up what we "couldn't" swallow. and the trick was to cough just enough for the parents to acknowledge that we couldn't swallow our food but not too much to make the parents come and take care of you. after the coughing, we'd then proceed to spit it out into a napkin, wait til their attention wasn't on us .. and run to the bathroom to drop it into the toilet. hahaha .. hella slick right!?! hahaha ... this was the hardest operation of them all ..but it got rid of the rice fast and efficiently plus a lil sympathy from our parents .. hahahah

i remember hiting the beaded curtain at jills old house trying not to trip or fall with all that rice .. oh the things we did! (now i can't stop eatting! haha) i even think one time the toilet didn't work or we forgot to flush and my cousin dan saw .. he threatened to tell on us .. but thankfully he didn't .. what a kind soul that man..haha

and so it was .. our techniques at the table helped us each and every time .. and recently we were all laughing about it (the cousins) and the parents over heard us ..and surprisingly they didn't even know! haha .. thats JUST HOW WE DO! haha...

**********
haha .. well dont know how to end one of these blog things .. but maybe with a question? what if we compiled all our secrets @ the dinner table and sold it as a book to becoming parents? eh? eh? haha .. do yall have any to share?? does anyone even read this? haha .. well we'll see ..

******
til more stories invade my fingers ..

God bless .. ingat ..
`bienOwie

God never wastes a hurt ..

2007-01-24T23:15:00.000-08:00

so im reading this book that heidi gave me (thanks heids!) .. its called pathway to purpose for women (by katie brazelton). i thought it was perfect especially for a time such as this where i have no idea where God wants me to be ..

althought i had some qualms (yes i said qualms) about the book .. (its pretty typi Christian flowery frou frou God is super! writing) .. there are parts that strike a cord with me, my heart, and my questions. the first chapter was about reconciliation and forgiveness .. and this week i realized that i am starting this new year right. by making peace with people and past relationships, refocusing on whats really important, and ready to go wherever God wants me to be.

this chapter was about finding purpose in your everyday. dianne said is best when she reminded us that our "everyday is extraordinary." and so i have been living. i may sulk every now and then but lately i've been seeing how God is amazing and perfect even in the days i dont even leave the house. like times i get to see my grandma smile and hear her laugh (it really is life giving). or when i get to finally respond to an email of a friend. cook dinner for my fam. take time to actually spend with God. study for the gres. bake. clean for my family. lately i've been seeing these days as long awaited rest. im finally doing me. and i like it.

the book also reminds me that God is seeing how I can find and experience Him on the daily and through the small things so that He can entrust me with bigger things in the future .. everyone is blessed with talents and skills and i know that God will reveal to me with impeccable timing how i can use them .. also that He has already given us roles to play .. as daughters/sons, friends, partners, cousins, ect. and those roles are just as important as leader, community inspirer, worker, etc .. so we shouldn't overlook them and we should also learn how to praise God through those tasks ..

to make a week long revelation short .. im learning to love my unsettled time here .. seeing God in everyway i can .. being real with myself and enjoying as much as i can .. esp through recharging myself .. these past 9 years of ministry (in and outside of church) have been hard .. so its nice to just ....be. (haha..stupid treK)

tomorrow me and mark are meeting with a leader from p.y.c (pilipino youth center?) of vallejo .. on our first visit there he asked us if we wanted to do a workshop this monday .. haha ahm like..do you know who we are? do you know where we been? lemme chill first homie! haha .. and at night imma check out a Bible study from justus' church .. gotta check my stereotypes and apprehensions about mainstream Christianity at the door foreal .. but im praying for good things .. i know God is at work today tomorrow, and for the rest of this confusion we call life ..

til peace (can be) easy ... i end it with a verse from the Bible and quoted in the book im reading (beautifully if you ask me)..

"But blessed is the [wo]man who trusts in the Lord and has made the Lord [her] hope and confidence. [She] is like a tree planted along a riverbank, with its roots reaching deep into the water - a tree not bothered by the heat nor worried by long months of drought. Its leaves stay green, and it goes right on producing all its luscious fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

God bless..
`bienOwie

hmm...post grad depression begins......now.

2007-01-18T17:27:00.000-08:00

haha .. so .. i'd like to say im back. but if i did refer to a "back" it must infer that in this location lies a starting place .. somewhere i came from ... somewhere i associate leaving .. but i dont.

im here. thats better ..

im here. in the ac. eww. haha .. no one tells you life after college is like .. hmm..let me rephrase that..no one tells you that life after ucsd kp life is like this... i miss san diego. the weather. the people. the conversations. the peace. i thought i'd never say this but san diego became home. especially after my parents moved. me and dunn both agreed ... we felt like we belonged there. even in la jolla .. ive grown accostomed to feeling out of place .. and threatening to all the hohum white people who feel i dont belong there .. haha ..weirdly enough i felt safe in my displacement.

visiting sd is like visiting an old loved one you're not supposed to love anymore or you're trying to be friends with... haha .. being in their presence is a weird mix of emotion caught between not wanting to be there because "youve moved on" and feeling the most comfort you've felt in a long time. you know all its secrets so you lay comfortably in their presence and at one surprising moment you realize that that person, or san diego, has more to offer than you explored ... but you know it can never be the same .. the reality is that san diego..or she .. will always be there as a memory but never again a reality like it had been .. damn .. what a breath of bittersweet fresh warm (not 20 degree) air ..

here.

im lost. trying to stay positive..trying to be set in this mentality.

my plan thus far: to study for the gres and work to pay for my travelling plans. haha. but i kinda like it.. i like being able to wake up and do what i want to do .. taking care of things i've pushed aside for the past 5 years for kp .. like blogging. ha. and watching movies. the hardest part has got to be living at home. i hate it.

free rent + free food = free access to nowie. anytime. anywhere. anyway. i am the resident counselor. food preparer. utos extrodinaire (sp?). every moment is free game to ask nowie to do something or to start fighting with nowie. about politics. about what im doing with my life. about what i should do. its like a war zone. with a billion people involved because this house is NEVER empty. im trying to get used to it..trying to acquire a family mentality .. the reality of household chores, problems, and routine .. but im trying ..

im praying for peace and purpose .. that God will give me peace with today and what is has to offer .. and that He will continue to guide me to where He wants me to be .. also praying for a home church .. and for folks to make this feel like home .. im far from it .. but im on my way.

`bienOwie.

don't really believe in this stuff..

2006-12-04T18:36:00.000-08:00

BUT .. i dont want to study .. and dude!!! they said i freaken look like jung-suh!!??!??! HOW COOL IS THAT!?!?! hahahah .. thats all..true or not this stuff is hella funn!!!

"That blank space on your map, that's where i was born."

2006-10-19T10:46:00.000-07:00

***
[barbara jane reyes] ..does the fact that we are born of a history that screams darkness, confusion, latent strength destine us to a journey of the same?..

**
so i'm taking a chance .. in posting real feelings and struggles i hope to gain support, prayers, thoughts .. you know all that stuff friends are supposed to do... haha .. i dont know how to say it without being cynical..but those of you who really know me know i have trust issues .. but anyway..

*
i watched marsha's dad's movie "the gift of barong" on tuesday .. and it was really good. it was kinda slow in the beginning but once they travelled to the philippines it picked up..aesthetically and emotionally. as the camera spanned across the palenkes, jeepneys, beaches, beauty, struggle, smiles, homes i literally had to hold myself in memory and pain. i miss the philippines. so much.

i miss the people. their strength overlapping each others to make one people under the S(u/o)n. their hope and care for life and each other. the language that dances sweetly on my tongue and fits perfectly with my ears. the activism that breaks all previous thoughts of activism and creates a new one just for my people. videoke. balut. the air that has the power to confuse me and envelop me in one swift motion of a scent. their faith in a God who stores their tears in His p(s)alms, redeeming them one by one minute by minute smile by smile.

i miss not caring about what i looked like. im not lying when i say i think that the tv and myspace is slowly sucking in my soul. making me want and desire for things i know don't even matter. i miss being inspired by God at every moment of my waking life. you know i never spent one quiet time alone in a room, i never really got inspired by a sermon on sunday but i was more at peace and in tune with God daily than i am now. here i have to search for it. i was reading my journal and there's a page that i wrote down all the "gifts" i received from God my last week with samariatana. one of the gifts included eating kfc. another was eating fish balls, hot dog, and popcorn. yet another was looking at pictures and singing an old school christian song with the women. because life was so simple, the extra things in life stood out more. here where i have access to everything and everyone everything seems mundane.

i thought i'd be grateful forever. i thought id conserve water for life. i want to roll myself in a malong and throw my soul back to the place that brought me so much joy. back to a place where i wasn't condemned for caring about women. to a place where i didn't have to be anybody but God's little girl.

im floating. in ambiguity. in disappointment with this life. in hopes for something to happen. every moment i continue to lose ground. every moment i float a little further from sanity. every moment i grasp for air in high altitude. this is my silent proposal for change. this is my desperate tear searching for prayer. please keep these moments safe.

peace aint that easy.
`bienOwie

p.s. ironically, my parents are going to the philippines today. i can't go because of classes. again school gets in the way of my education. (ha). please keep them in your prayers for a safe trip..especially because they're going to mindanao for the first time since the kidnapping.. thanks yall.. God bless..ingat..

the inevitable blog..

2006-10-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

yes on relationships.

..and the familiar question comes into play. do we ever really get over our ex's? like jay said although we'd like to purge these people from our lives, we can never do so because they are always going to be there. in our hearts ..in our stories .. our pains.. in our relationships. so then if thats the case, that we never really are over ex's then what does "moving on" entail? is it just being at peace with what it was and accepting wassup then moving forward? is it not caring? not loving? understanding? then what of friendship? what do you do when you miss that person? what if you miss that person after 3,4,5 years after ..does that mean you're not over that person? are you even ever supposed to be? i like to say that i am waiting to be "ready" to be in a commited relationship ..but what is "ready"? do i need to redefine that?

well, that made my head ache just a little bit more. wonderful. bottom line is that i dont get why ex's still bug me. why can't i just run away..or fix it. do i just have to live with this akwardness forever as a consequence? hmm...

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on a random note..i like the new fergie cd. not too bad .. her slow stuff is dope.one of my faves is mary jane shoes until she gets all no doubtish..finally ..velvet..big girls dont cry ..fergielicious..london bridge (shet up)...yea .. hahaha.. anywho..

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not going to italy anymore .. so starting mid december i am a free woman. trying to find a job/housing outside of american canyon .. so please pray for that if yall have any time.. miss you all.. love you!

peace
God bless,
`nOwie

i JuS wAnNa K.i.T. !! hahahhaah ;)

2006-09-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

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haha..okay so as much as i am anti people posting up their ish on the internet for everyone to see .. i thought i might try it .. one as my desperate attempt at keeping in touch with those i love and trust and miss and love (THATS YOU!) .. and for my idiotic desire to want to write about the random things that i think about without regard .. and with hopes of some feedback. so here i am. no big words .. no fancy shmancy artsy fartsy spoken word cliche

pauses. i said...pauses? (ha) . it's just my attempt at embracing these wings im getting used to and flying .. simple yea? hopefully ..

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school just started and for once im completely excited to go to class .. and read. i guess its because for the past four years i've been moving so fast that i never had time to really enjoy the joys of learning. yes, quite dorky, but hey i love me some good reads =)

thought about it today and something just isn't right. or maybe everything is right and im just not used to it. my life thus far has been unconventional..surprising..and nothing i thought it would be .. you'd think i'd get used to it by now. i've wasted about thirty minutes of my life trying to figure out how to put a different layout on this thing and i think i have failed.

sometimes i want to sleep faster so i can get to the part when i am awake. and not necessarily to do things .. but to be awake to things. to hear new songs and whisper new secrets .. to watch new life and write more realities. but im sure ill learn the value of sleep soon enough. peace til it dawns.

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random quote of the day " DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?!?!" haha.